You know you need to talk about money, you just don’t know how to do it. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Most couples find talking about money with their partner stressful and a source of tension they’d rather avoid. Even my husband and I find discussing money uncomfortable at times. We’re all human!
Nevertheless, for any relationship to work long-term, money has to be part of the conversation. Luckily, there are ways to ease that tension and find common ground with your partner so you can tackle any financial decision (or obstacle) together in a healthy way.
Tell your money stories
Money can be an emotional issue, with many of us attaching personal feelings based on our upbringing, culture and background. For some, family history around money can bring out feelings of shame, guilt and fear. For others, it might be about privacy and a focus on financial independence. In other words, when you’re talking about money with your partner, you’re both bringing your own unique experiences to the table — and you may not even realize it until you have the conversation.
To better understand money behaviours, values and beliefs, it’s important to know where it all comes from. You can start with a few key questions to guide your discussions. Are you a saver or a spender and why? How does debt make you feel? Is it scary? Are you disciplined about your debts or overwhelmed by it? What about risk? Is your risk tolerance similar to your partner’s?
Talk about money regularly
Talking about money only when a financial crisis arises will inevitably make money a negative part of your relationship. To combat this, start talking about money in good times and bad — the more often the better — so it doesn’t feel like such a big deal.
During these discussions, also make sure to really listen when your partner is sharing. Oftentimes, we feel like we need to fill silences, but that space is essential to allow the other person to reflect and share. To encourage even the most reluctant partner to open up, make sure to ask questions like “What do you think?” or “How does that make you feel?” or “What would you do in this situation?” Be sure to let their answers really sink in. You don’t always need to respond or share your opinion on their opinion. You can learn a lot from just listening.
Be transparent and don’t judge
Many couples avoid money conversations because they’re worried about being judged, especially for past money mistakes. Showing your partner how much you earn, how much you have in the bank and how much debt you have can make you feel as if you’re not good enough. But guess what, they may be thinking the exact same thing.
A strong relationship is based on trust and trust is built on honesty and communication. By taking your time and talking openly about your comfort level, you can decide when, and if, it’s the right time to share your numbers (e.g., net worth, credit scores, debts owing). Getting financially naked, so to speak, is a big step toward building a solid financial future together and it’s important to consider it carefully.
Create shared financial goals
Getting financially naked takes vulnerability, but once you’ve done it, it can feel like a big weight has lifted. This opens you up to more fun conversations, like what kind of financial goals you want to achieve together. Creating shared goals gives you a sense of purpose and strengthens your bond as a couple. They can be small, like saving for a trip, or they can be big, like saving for a wedding or a down payment on a home. No matter what your goals look like, they will deepen your connection and remind you that you’re a team.
Build a financial wellness routine
Talking about money isn’t always easy, and timing matters. Bringing up the credit card bill on a Wednesday night after a busy day when you’re both hungry and tired is the perfect recipe for an argument. Instead, save that conversation for a dedicated money meeting you incorporate into your routine.
This meeting can be weekly or monthly, whatever schedule you know you’ll stick to. But it should be a distraction-free, dedicated time you block off on both your calendars so you can check in with each other and discuss the family budget, spending, goals and progress. Don’t forget to bring some treats! Money is a lot easier to talk about when you’re enjoying your favourite snacks together and sipping on something delicious.
Read more: